the kids are tired

Well, I've started a website finally.  Again.  I worked on one last spring for a long time and then my computer crashed and in the resulting wiping of the hard drive that one item did not get backed up like I thought.  I did not really understand website construction and the assumption of Apple that I would immediately publish it and so it would be safe on the web.  Ha.

I think I understand more this go-round having both read the manual and bought a book no less. It seems actually fun but very time intensive given that I am planning a huge website with lots of features and pages and options and so on.  Nothing simple for me, no way. 

The kids have had a full week of socializing with lots of sleepovers and today is the first day of the February break that we have all been home together.  I cannot believe how crabby everyone is.  We are such a family of introverts!  Debby and my Dad both think I am too but I still cannot quite agree.  I do get energy from being alone, but only to a point, and then if I don't have human contact I will go nuts.  I remember one summer job where I was alone in an office for most of the summer listening to CBC and doing something very mindless.  I have never talked so much each supper.  My roommates laughed at me all summer because I chattered so much.  It was the same when I was home with two small babies.  I joined a sewing group in Crutwell and just relished the chance to talk with other adults.  Until they started quilting and got serious about the task - then it was just work.  Sometimes if I have spent too much time alone I will talk to Dan for about an hour without even needing him to respond except for his classic minimalist "hm".

Anyway, the problem with human contact is that everyone is so screwed up.  If I could be an extrovert with all the well-adjusted people out there (all two of you) it would be clear to everyone that that is what I am.  But people continue to have feelings and as long as they do I will try to co-regulate everyone around me and while I love to do this and it comes naturally and it is fulfilling sort of to emotionally bond with people at all sorts of extremes, there is a limit to my energy.  This is where my husband, bless him, is so good for me.  He has no extremes, just one solid middle ground.  He is so calm.  If I am not tired that alone drives me crazy as it shouldn't be possible, but most of the time I am tired and so I can just lean in.

Today, however, my kids are tired and leaning in to me and I am trying to balance out their little emotional extremes and be calm myself.  This is the sort of day I like to be able to write.  The question is if anyone should ever see what I write!  Sometimes it is a bit too uncensored.  But then, what is the point of  a blog if I am censoring myself all over the place.  The whole idea is that there is an audience that I cannot control and if I cannot control the audience, then it does not make sense to try to control the message.