Light and dark

I'm back from Victoria where I spent a very enjoyable 4 days with my co-workers from Mental Health learning about FASD and the current state of research and ideas for intervention.  It was much warmer there and there were a great deal more boats than I generally see in a day.  I'll write more about the content of the conference on my professional blog which should soon be up with my website (hopefully!).  It was a good conference in that most of the concurrent sessions I went to went through sensory processing theory and how self-regulation is the key way in to manage behaviours that otherwise are pretty inevitable with FAS.

It was very different being "single" and sans kids for that long.  I don't think I've been away that long by myself in the kids' lives.  Not that I can think of.  Regulating short people's emotions is very tiring even when you don't know you're doing it and to suddenly be mostly responsible only for myself was incredibly different.  I felt so much more in control of my responses and able to use strategies so easily.  If I wanted to go running, it was pretty easy to fit it in.  If I wanted to talk, there were people around who could talk for a long time about abstract things.  I could see new things and spend time alone and nap and be giddy without regard for too many other responsibilities.  It was very unreal.  Back at home, I am catching up on housework and helping the kids with their homework as well as my own jobs and it is coming back to me that I get tired a lot.  I am very happy for the privilege of living in a family and having the roles I do.  I would rather have my life than the single Lynn life, no question.  But it is always good to know what energy output needs to be allowed for.

I could concentrate on my friends for good chunks of time in the way that I remember doing as a University student, but that is not realistic when I do need to concentrate on my husband and kids and still have the emotional and thinking energy to go to to work.

Dan and I talked a lot on the way home from Regina, where I ended up for an awards ceremony for my boss.  There is a great deal of hostility to families in the world, and I think it is very spiritual.  We feel that it has taken a great deal of energy to preserve our marriage and family to this point and that this has not been accidental or easy.  We also don't feel that adding any further "missions" to our lives is even possible, given the level of threat to what we have.  Paul tells the Ephesians to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (6:10-13)  I love that we don't even have to make it one step forward, just stand.  A lot of days that takes everything I've got and all my reliance on God's mighty power.

It's something to contemplate continuing to be involved fully with people in our culture which is so very anti-God and so destructive personally and relationally.  At this point in our lives, it is like entering a war zone with one's eyes open, able to visualize the pain of bullets and shrapnel, understanding that we are going into harm's way, on purpose.  That is not even a "mission", it is just life on this "dark world".  

I also love the passage from Philippians 2:14-16a: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life . . . "   That part of not complaining or arguing is pretty hard, but I like that we can "shine" just from holding the word of life.  We don't need to do much more than hold God's presence and words in us - his light is so much more powerful than the darkness.  In that way the warfare we wage is not through our own ability or decisiveness or goodness.  It is just being present with God while we are present in the world.  The dark powers and authorities and so on cannot touch us.  Jesus sent out his disciples as "lambs among wolves" knowing full well the power of their opposition (demonic authority) and yet knowing full well also that they were completely safe despite their complete inadequacy.  I love God!  He is so upside down from the way the world fights.  He loves trust from the weakest of us.  It's so freeing.

Anyway, the whole point is that whether I am tired from this or that, my real purpose on this planet is to be close to God wherever I am and hold his word inside me, preferably keeping my mouth from complaining or arguing.  No problem!  And I think that that is the whole purpose of man - to glorify God and enjoy him forever.  How can the devil fight that if we are willing to die standing doing that?  There's nothing he can do. 

So I am glad to be back pouring myself into my kids and my marriage and occasionally into the other special people who are brought into my life, enjoying God's care in the midst of destruction, but knowing that even my suffering is for a purpose and that spiritually I am completely secure no matter what.  That is something I can do.

Untangling

Whew.  What a week.  I cannot wait til spring.  Heidi is home with a cold and so I am home as well which is okay as I am still trying to untangle the various threads in my life and keep them all straight.  There is always the housework.  There are sports our kids are in.  There are our animals - especially the dog and horses who always need attention.  There is our marriage - very intensive.  There are our friends - as I've noted before I think I need to structure more time in for all of you.  There is the Attic as a whole - landscaping, fencing, home maintenance, getting chickens, and so on and so forth. There is keeping in shape which is very much a priority as my shoulders continue to act up with the least little strain.  There is Attic Therapy, which as I've also mentioned I am working hard to develop in terms of specific directions.  There is my job with the Health Region which dovetails more or less with my business but requires constant attention so as not to be a conflict of interest.   There is Dan's job with OnTask Rehab, which, as he is a co-owner/operator of Attic Therapy, requires attention so as not to conflict time-wise and also because we work together.  There is the need for continuing education which needs to be booked well in advance; unfortunately well in advance is not how I think. There is family who are important but all far away.  Last but least negotiable is my relationship with God, which at least is well and truly structured in as I can't survive without time alone with Him.  All of this stuff has to be considered and priorized and done and all of my decisions need to keep all of this in mind.

As I said before, we pulled out wedding pictures this w/e to show the kids and also a bunch of early days here at the Attic.  Our land was completely empty when we bought it and so our first few years we had relatively light footprints here.  The land was healthy and the fences were all new and the grass looked thick and green.  We didn't have "junk" or bare patches or a garden or started projects or an old trailer we can't sell.  Also, we hadn't had a huge forest fire on the heels of a drought which killed most of the forest and then a tornado that knocked down any remaining tall trees. It looked so clean!  I would like to get back to that time but of course you can't go back in time. Kids grow and so do lives and they get thicker. 

It somehow seems easier to untangle my life if I just write it down.  I don't know why. It's like sorting thread or something. It just requires me to do one thing at a time, one half hour at a time.  And not forget anything crucial, like my hair cut last week!  Oh well.  Keeping up my appearance is just way way down on the list.