I have wanted to write many times in the last month because lots of little things come to mind that I'd like to describe and remember, but there is no time! I have been scrambling to keep on top of work stuff, sick kid stuff, healthy kid stuff, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and of course Levi's birthday is this Sunday and it's the big 10 so we need to celebrate that properly. Anyway, now that Heidi's turned the corner and presumably will just slowly recuperate for the next month, and I have the urgent urgent stuff done or mostly done, I feel fairly done in.
However, I don't want to only write about how tired I am. There is more to life even when one is 41 and actually in the middle-aged category (aaaaagh!). We finished cementing the barn! Dan got a deer - a decent buck. That's a good thing. I rototilled 3/4 of the garden before winter for the first year in as long as I can remember. Before Thanksgiving I was doing great things with Jetta on a semi-regular basis. We are making new friends with new neighbours in Crutwell which is wonderful for us and our kids as they also have kids the same ages as ours. The colours outside my window today are actually very beautiful. Usually at this point in the year I just wish it would snow as it is brown and bare and cold. I think because of all the water this year though the grass still looks a bit green and there is the blue of the sloughs and all the reeds and the hay bales all gold and it's alright for another week of fall, I'm thinking. I'm reading Who has seen the wind? by W.O. Mitchell again and it is a lovely book. I had to read it in Grade 5 for some reason and it's hard to believe now as I have a boy in Grade 5 and I'm not sure if he would appreciate all the nuances. Well, I know he wouldn't.
I have been struggling with plantar fascitis since July and it seems to be almost all gone, so that's great. However, it appears that running is no longer going to be something that I enjoy on a regular basis. I have been trying hard to get excited about biking and I have been going very regularly with Storm and it's okay. But it's so fast and you have to worry so much about balancing and it's just not the same feeling as running. However, my knees and feet are totally and completely shot and so I guess that is reality. I can bike for a lot of the year and once I can't I'll be able to snowshoe and that'll be alright.
I have been thinking about how getting older is like a stack of magazines. A magazine doesn't feel very substantial and to make a pile of them takes quite a few. But all of a sudden you have this tall slippery heavy chunk of magazines that are awkward to store and which have all this great information in them but you know you probably won't dig through it even so. I have all of a sudden accumulated a bunch of years and a whole lot of experiences so that in lots of interactions with other people I realize with a shock that I am older than them, and in some cases quite a bit older. I don't feel older but the stack of magazines, so to speak, is heavy and substantial. I have been through a bit. Haven't learned as much from it as would be good for me but there you go. It makes me want to go back and read Twilight again just to feel like a fourteen year old again. Not that I want to really be fourteen ever again. But 41 is still very strange.
Last week for some reason I connected with a bunch of people from very different points in my history all within a pretty concentrated span of time. It left me feeling incredibly disoriented. It was all good, but there are so many different corners of me that different special people pull out that when that happens all at once I feel like a blanket with 6 people tugging at the corners at once. It's hard to find my centre and figure out who I am when I am alone. Maybe that's part of it because for various reasons I have not been alone for quite a while, and certainly not alone without any housework to do. Which is why I'm writing now. Writing seems to bring me back to centre better than most other things. Don't know why. For some reason I can sort out thoughts better if I can see them in front of me. Heidi is asleep and Dan is off getting something or other and the kids are not home from school yet and it is a little lovely island of quiet with no one needing me right at this very moment. I can just sit and breathe. Which is the song I put on to start writing to - Breathe (2 am) by Anna Nalick. I love that song. It's so appropriate so often.
I can't think of anything else to ramble. May your sunsets (and sunrises) all be breathtaking and off to the side of your windshield so they don't blind you while driving! Now I'm off to piano lessons with Levi. Back at it.


