Being happy!

We had such a great time at Dave and Deb's amazing corner of forest/creek/field/hill/loghouse under construction. I'm so glad we could get there for a visit, even if it was way too fast. And muddy. I'm pretty grateful for the sand we live on here - the clay is still drying off our boots and we are slowly vacuuming it up as it falls off.

This week is pretty quiet and I am celebrating the time and fantastic weather by working with Jetta so that hopefully I can be trail riding her in the next month. She is now walk/trotting with me on her back in the round pen and giving to the bit and the reins much better. I started at this point last spring right with the trail rides and quickly realized that while she didn't mind me riding her, she also didn't notice me riding her, so we have been focusing quite a bit on her noticing me - from the ground and now on her back. I don't know what I would do without John Lyons' approaches. It is so neat to see her "get it" and begin to do what I want her to without any need to terrorize her, lose my temper, or be unsafe. It just takes more time and patience. Thankfully I now have little blocks of time.

And, I am running again. Last year was almost a total write-off because of all of us being so sick all summer and I fervently hope we don't have a repeat. As long as I run 4 minutes and walk one I can go for half an hour. I am hoping to work up to about an hour straight but I'll take what I can get. My knees are not getting any younger. If I have to bike I will, and maybe I will anyway to change things up now and then but it's nice to have options.

The one thing I would like to get back to and haven't yet is writing. If I could run, ride, write, and work with kids that would be a perfect week. The cooking, cleaning and laundry would magically do themselves. And now I am looking at the muddy mess our garden is and starting to think about that expensive hobby as well . . . There's never enough hours in the day. But at least with this sunlight I feel a bit more like doing things in the hours there are. Hooray spring!!

I think, although I feel a bit guilty about it, I will continue to fill up the days this week with fun stuff. On Friday the kids are home for the ten day Easter break and I will probably be back to swimming to keep my head from going under. No mosquitos, no horseflies yet, and the ground is almost dry. What a great March.

Not a clue what to call this

Wow, I've been thinking so hard this past week that now I'm all disoriented. We have been setting up group therapy options for Attic Therapy for the summer, and I have been concentrating on sorting out a bunch of logistics and philosophical theoretical STUFF and now the mailout is DONE and I am just useless. It's fortunate I have nothing very pressing to do today except to pack to visit my brother and his family this weekend. I'm in the sort of headspace to get lost on the way to PA.

This weather probably doesn't help at all. It's cold and gray and windy and depressing. Really hard to believe that this weekend will be 10 above. I have been searching all over the house for a book to read to kind of "reboot". There's nothing here, because all my favorite books have been reread 12 times or are up in the barn still - and it's just too cold to feel like rummaging around up there. So I'm starting Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series for the fourth time. That's pretty desperate. But it's in the house. And certainly qualifies as escape. Does anyone have any suggestions in case I can get to the library today before piano lessons? We will be traveling for at least 7 hours to get there and it's pretty hard to talk that long with three interested little commenters in the back seat.

I did do my "Cindy" workout today and am feeling pretty proud of myself that I can now get through it pretty much without injury. My sisters-in-law all know the video-that hour long one that is insanely hard. She made it well before she had kids, that's for sure. I've been easing back into shape since December and this week was able to do a couple of actual runs outside (through cold depressing snowy weather, yech) as long as I walk every 3-4 minutes. My knees are shot and my shoulders are shot and probably I should just bike already but I hate biking on account of the world goes by you so fast that if you are the least bit disoriented (which I frequently am) it is hard to keep track of basic safety information such as trucks approaching from behind. Dan does not understand that at all but he has superb sensory integration and is a bit of a snob. All my clients would understand totally.

Well, spring has to come eventually. It came and went and that was a tease but the world is tilting. It really is. The light is incredibly different than even a month ago, reminding me that technically we are already in the best part of the year and I should take advantage of it, but it is hard to imagine that very cold rutted garden ever coming to life. I am so looking forward to this spring and working with the horses for large chunks of time. It may actually be possible!

Anyway, I am also proud of myself for posting on this blog and not forgetting to for another 3 months! Trying to nurture good habits! Talk to you again!

Well, I'm back.

So you'd expect the dead of winter to be a Good Time for Blogging. Apparently not in my case. It's just because my life is so darn exciting. I guess that's how I'll frame it. It actually has been a terrific winter and it appears to be over already as the snow is 3/4 gone and the kids are running around shooting each other with potato guns (????) and getting mud all over everything. I'm fine with that. I cannot wait for green to reappear.

Anyway, I feel compelled to "catch up" which is probably illogical as many of you don't really care and it's not like it really matters. . . I'm still working out why people need to share their thoughts with the internet and the faceless masses. I guess I'm hoping that "you" include all the people I have known and loved and subsequently have become geographically separated from, in which case this may help us feel more caught up the next time we do get to see each other in whatever context works . . .

So, since I last posted the following of importance (to me) has occurred:

• I completely ended my employment with the Prince Albert Parkland Health Region for the second time since I moved to PA area. Maybe the third - can't remember. Anyway, I guess pension and benefits are screwed. Anyway, I/we have committed to Attic Therapy and that was probably a major reason for my silence in the last few months - very intense changeover.
• Shortly after I totally quit, we got a letter from the pension fund saying that I was getting a check for the sum that I had overpaid in the last ten years (since I last quit totally, I guess). This sum happened to correspond actually quite nicely with the amount it would take to all go to Disneyworld. Wow!!!
• I spent December feverishly researching, booking and confirming reservations, and then made a terrifically fun treasure hunt for the kids for Christmas morning . . . :)
• Also in December we managed to go to Steve Bell's Christmas Concert in S'toon. What a terrifically rich music experience. He was playing with his small band - piano, guitar, double bass I think (huge cello thing), and drums, but backed by the Saskatoon Symphony Orchestra. It was so beautiful. The kids could really appreciate it thanks to their piano lessons giving them just enough to know that this was really great music.
• We had a great Christmas with both families but missed Dan and Amber in Texas and Tim and Cheryl in Terrace.
• January was incredibly busy with Attic Therapy taking off right out of the gate. I am so happy for the demand but my concern this year is to figure out how much I can sustainably work without jeopardizing my mom role which is priority for me. So lots of discussion between Dan and I and playing with various scenarios and opportunities as well as continuing to work with the absolutely tremendous families we are involved with. Such a privilege.
• February was a month of getting ready to go and a huge sigh of relief when the passports appeared in the mail. Whew!!
• Seth gave us a scare by getting another (he had one all through December as well) major chest infection - asthma related and difficult for him to shake, but he did by the time the plane left the ground.
• Then, Feb 24 to Mar 3 we were gone! 6 marvelous days in Florida packing as much into the time as we realistically could. Thankfully, the whole time we were there the kids hardly even blew their noses. It was cold and wet for Florida (although not as bad as it had been earlier I guess) but we had a terrific time. We stayed totally in WDW as there was just not enough time to start all the other stuff in Florida or even Orlando, but we all really enjoyed it. It was fun to see each kid finding their own really favorite part. There really is something for everyone.
• We didn't get back til the afternoon of March 4 and I (meanie that I am) took all the kids to piano that night despite us all being tired (we caught our shuttle to the airport at 2 am the morning we left and arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's close to midnight). Hopefully that decision had nothing to do with both Heidi and Levi getting tonsillitis almost immediately and being put back on antibiotics.
• And today (March 15 - wow, the Ides of March) we are cleaning the house and cleaning out the frig after a wonderful visit from our friends the Schatzleins (well, except Don who had to stay home and look after the sheep, yes literally). We were so encouraged and had so much fun with their wonderful family. Daniel and Benjamin and Heidi are older than our kids by about 5 years but were so wonderful in joining in with them enthusiastically in whatever they/we were doing. It was a wonderful visit - too short as always.

So, back to normal I think. And I do want to go back to a routine that includes blogging because I so value my relationships and there are too many to even begin to keep up with information wise.

Take care all! Happy Spring!!

Finally . . .

Another month and my whole world has gone upside down again, like the ship in the third Pirates of the Caribbean. Last Monday I resigned from Mental Health and finally decided to commit to Attic Therapy whole-heartedly. I have tried in many ways to keep both roles, but the perception of a conflict of interest persisted with the valid point that I was serving the same general population in both a public and private role. While I think that our public system really needs to provide OT to kids with complex mental health/developmental issues, I guess I had to choose once and for all if I was going to do that and give up private practice totally. Couldn't do it. So I have given up working for the health region with great regret. Hopefully they can find another OT to take on that role which would be a great scenario. I have one more week of finishing up reports and tying up loose ends. Then I have a completely free week to treat kids for the first time since I quit my preschool position! That is exciting.

This weather is fantastic - beautiful fall skies with clear sunshine through the bare trees and cold but calm and really, not that cold at all. I am slowly revving down today after a very tumultuous week of dealing with the emotional fallout of my decision. Today I feel completely limp despite two large cups of strong coffee. I may get laundry done but not much else. I have made a lot of good friends in a short time at Mental Health and other friends I have had for much longer. I am hoping to keep those friendships despite the change in work location. On the other hand, the idea of not constantly wrestling with a juggling act is appealing. My coordination has never been that great. This will also give me the time and room to do things that I feel like I need to do to stay myself - do stuff with my horses, be outside, keep up with the day to day stuff with the kids, write.

I can't even think of anything else to write now though - I am so tired! Other stuff has happened - H1N1 shots, Levi's 9th birthday, pickling beets, Halloween and so on. However, that's all I can say about that. Cheers, all!

Colors

Well I am now on my third course of antibiotics in 7 weeks. This time it is for an ear infection that has been giving me constant and sometimes excruciating pain for two weeks. I have been downing ibuprofen and Tylenol in large quantities as per the doctor's suggestion and using eardrops and Nasonex and Flovent and of course decongestant and it has just gotten worse. I wish I could have a notice come up on the little computers in the doctor's office whenever I come in saying "do not bother with conservative treatment regimens - this person is a walking breeding ground for extreme diseases". As in, go straight to the real stuff, and save me the inevitable two weeks of gradual worsening of symptoms.

It's so typical. I can't be moderate in anything at all. I think that I have been doped up for so long now that I can't even imagine reality in full colour. Everything is just a little blurred. I can function but the edges are off. I can only hope that the general effect is a softening of my own rough edges but that is probably too much to ask.

I downloaded a Quirks and Quarks episode today about synesthesia because I heard the teaser last month and wanted to listen to the program but of course didn't happen to be driving at that precise time slot. It is so interesting that a.) not everyone sees months in a colour and arranged in a specific pattern in space, and b.) that there is a word for that phenomenon. It brings up all sorts of interesting brain biology questions and of course the inevitable wondering about how other people perceive reality. I wrote a poem a few years back about windows and how I used to think everyone was looking through the same one and that poetry was just describing the view and that I had just realized that there were actually a lot of windows and we don't really any of us share much of a view. That perspective was kind of devastating to me at the time. Now I'm thinking it's even worse than I thought and maybe we're not even in the same building looking out in different directions, but rather spread out all over a large space and looking in various windows of unrelated buildings and shouting out what we see as if it's the only reality.

Aaagh!

My poor husband does not suffer from synesthesia of any sort whatsoever and I see this blank look of terror sometimes slowly spreading across his face if I try to describe how I feel or how a situation has made me feel. What do you do. It's exactly the same though if he starts to try to explain the mechanism of the clutch in our car and how my actions in driving can affect the mechanism (he very gently and considerately tries to phrase this in positive ways as he sees the same sort of look of terror spreading across my face, probably). Numbers and mechanical objects, having no colours in my mind, do not arrange themselves in any sort of pattern that I can grasp or remember and so do not behave with anything but the most capricious randomness. Whereas kids with autism shoot out the most incredibly clear emotional colors and textures that are ever so easy to respond to. Even more so because they are authentic and from their core. And there you go - I lost him again. Fortunately I married a man with almost no variation in essential colour and textures and so he is very comfortingly consistent which tends to bring me back to where I should be eventually. My kids on the other hand are such interesting blends of depth and shade and hue and becoming even more so the older they get.

All of which brings me to my latest book find - "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. What a great writer! The title hooked me because of course jazz is blue and the cover was exactly the right shade for it. As it turned out the whole book is ramblings on Christian spirituality as opposed to Christianity. Very non-sequential and brutally honest and so a lovely refreshing read. Much like jazz music. Almost you can't read too much at once. It's a little too sweet.

And as for life events - I believe I can finally reveal a somewhat definite plan for the next year!! There's a story behind all this but for now I am continuing with Attic Therapy and increasing my hours at Mental Health to approximately 0.8 FTE. This should be interesting as I am very busy in both roles and my home life is none too calm either. We'll see if I can work out workouts in there somewhere. After, of course, I finally get healthy. Gravity is pretty unforgiving.

Just for fun

today I am eleven

that is, off the scale

a little to the right of perfect

and somewhat prime

odd

uneven

but symmetrical

(that’s good!)

not quite into adolescence

past childhood

difficult to add and subtract

easy to multiply

impossible to divide

I am not a base of much

open-ended, that’s me

sideways, I would equal

laugh out loud if you like

I am in alliteration, albeit under an alias

did you know 11 times 11 equals

one to one?

If only that formula worked more often

but you see when you are eleven

you are tippy and prone to

fall towards the teens

that unsettling group of know it alls

who don’t accept you but you don’t fit into

the 1-10 crowd either

(you don’t even fit into 9-5 very well)

So I will make myself a slide and shoot away

into space

or a tower of shining beech trees that reach to heaven with me inside

or perhaps two needles to mend and create

a book cover

or even two praying hands

I will be today

innumerable

booklist

I just read The Shack. It was one of those books. Past the head and straight to the heart. Very truthful that way. Much recommended. Just have Kleenex.

Other books that have really been important to me . . . no particular order and I'm forgetting a lot:

George MacDonald's "Princess" books

C.S. Lewis - anything at all, but I've read the Narnia series at least 50 times

Tolkien (of course)

Lullabies for Little Criminals

One Child

Jane Eyre

Schuyler's Monster

This Present Darkness

some book in my elementary school that was about a child who lived with badgers for a year (I think now he must have been autistic, but I don't think that was mentioned)

A Wrinkle in Time (the whole series)

Magic by the Lake

Exodus (by Leon Uris)

Calvin and Hobbes

L'Abri

God's Smuggler

Something More

The Hiding Place

The "Jungle Doctor" series

Star of Light

John Lyons on Horses

To Kill a Mockingbird

The Little Drummer Girl

I'll probably add to this list as I think of other books. These aren't my "favourite" books. That's another list. These are the ones that have clicked pieces in me that helped make me who I am. Just a little idealistic but I hope that never changes.