Finally . . .

Another month and my whole world has gone upside down again, like the ship in the third Pirates of the Caribbean. Last Monday I resigned from Mental Health and finally decided to commit to Attic Therapy whole-heartedly. I have tried in many ways to keep both roles, but the perception of a conflict of interest persisted with the valid point that I was serving the same general population in both a public and private role. While I think that our public system really needs to provide OT to kids with complex mental health/developmental issues, I guess I had to choose once and for all if I was going to do that and give up private practice totally. Couldn't do it. So I have given up working for the health region with great regret. Hopefully they can find another OT to take on that role which would be a great scenario. I have one more week of finishing up reports and tying up loose ends. Then I have a completely free week to treat kids for the first time since I quit my preschool position! That is exciting.

This weather is fantastic - beautiful fall skies with clear sunshine through the bare trees and cold but calm and really, not that cold at all. I am slowly revving down today after a very tumultuous week of dealing with the emotional fallout of my decision. Today I feel completely limp despite two large cups of strong coffee. I may get laundry done but not much else. I have made a lot of good friends in a short time at Mental Health and other friends I have had for much longer. I am hoping to keep those friendships despite the change in work location. On the other hand, the idea of not constantly wrestling with a juggling act is appealing. My coordination has never been that great. This will also give me the time and room to do things that I feel like I need to do to stay myself - do stuff with my horses, be outside, keep up with the day to day stuff with the kids, write.

I can't even think of anything else to write now though - I am so tired! Other stuff has happened - H1N1 shots, Levi's 9th birthday, pickling beets, Halloween and so on. However, that's all I can say about that. Cheers, all!

Colors

Well I am now on my third course of antibiotics in 7 weeks. This time it is for an ear infection that has been giving me constant and sometimes excruciating pain for two weeks. I have been downing ibuprofen and Tylenol in large quantities as per the doctor's suggestion and using eardrops and Nasonex and Flovent and of course decongestant and it has just gotten worse. I wish I could have a notice come up on the little computers in the doctor's office whenever I come in saying "do not bother with conservative treatment regimens - this person is a walking breeding ground for extreme diseases". As in, go straight to the real stuff, and save me the inevitable two weeks of gradual worsening of symptoms.

It's so typical. I can't be moderate in anything at all. I think that I have been doped up for so long now that I can't even imagine reality in full colour. Everything is just a little blurred. I can function but the edges are off. I can only hope that the general effect is a softening of my own rough edges but that is probably too much to ask.

I downloaded a Quirks and Quarks episode today about synesthesia because I heard the teaser last month and wanted to listen to the program but of course didn't happen to be driving at that precise time slot. It is so interesting that a.) not everyone sees months in a colour and arranged in a specific pattern in space, and b.) that there is a word for that phenomenon. It brings up all sorts of interesting brain biology questions and of course the inevitable wondering about how other people perceive reality. I wrote a poem a few years back about windows and how I used to think everyone was looking through the same one and that poetry was just describing the view and that I had just realized that there were actually a lot of windows and we don't really any of us share much of a view. That perspective was kind of devastating to me at the time. Now I'm thinking it's even worse than I thought and maybe we're not even in the same building looking out in different directions, but rather spread out all over a large space and looking in various windows of unrelated buildings and shouting out what we see as if it's the only reality.

Aaagh!

My poor husband does not suffer from synesthesia of any sort whatsoever and I see this blank look of terror sometimes slowly spreading across his face if I try to describe how I feel or how a situation has made me feel. What do you do. It's exactly the same though if he starts to try to explain the mechanism of the clutch in our car and how my actions in driving can affect the mechanism (he very gently and considerately tries to phrase this in positive ways as he sees the same sort of look of terror spreading across my face, probably). Numbers and mechanical objects, having no colours in my mind, do not arrange themselves in any sort of pattern that I can grasp or remember and so do not behave with anything but the most capricious randomness. Whereas kids with autism shoot out the most incredibly clear emotional colors and textures that are ever so easy to respond to. Even more so because they are authentic and from their core. And there you go - I lost him again. Fortunately I married a man with almost no variation in essential colour and textures and so he is very comfortingly consistent which tends to bring me back to where I should be eventually. My kids on the other hand are such interesting blends of depth and shade and hue and becoming even more so the older they get.

All of which brings me to my latest book find - "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. What a great writer! The title hooked me because of course jazz is blue and the cover was exactly the right shade for it. As it turned out the whole book is ramblings on Christian spirituality as opposed to Christianity. Very non-sequential and brutally honest and so a lovely refreshing read. Much like jazz music. Almost you can't read too much at once. It's a little too sweet.

And as for life events - I believe I can finally reveal a somewhat definite plan for the next year!! There's a story behind all this but for now I am continuing with Attic Therapy and increasing my hours at Mental Health to approximately 0.8 FTE. This should be interesting as I am very busy in both roles and my home life is none too calm either. We'll see if I can work out workouts in there somewhere. After, of course, I finally get healthy. Gravity is pretty unforgiving.

Just for fun

today I am eleven

that is, off the scale

a little to the right of perfect

and somewhat prime

odd

uneven

but symmetrical

(that’s good!)

not quite into adolescence

past childhood

difficult to add and subtract

easy to multiply

impossible to divide

I am not a base of much

open-ended, that’s me

sideways, I would equal

laugh out loud if you like

I am in alliteration, albeit under an alias

did you know 11 times 11 equals

one to one?

If only that formula worked more often

but you see when you are eleven

you are tippy and prone to

fall towards the teens

that unsettling group of know it alls

who don’t accept you but you don’t fit into

the 1-10 crowd either

(you don’t even fit into 9-5 very well)

So I will make myself a slide and shoot away

into space

or a tower of shining beech trees that reach to heaven with me inside

or perhaps two needles to mend and create

a book cover

or even two praying hands

I will be today

innumerable

booklist

I just read The Shack. It was one of those books. Past the head and straight to the heart. Very truthful that way. Much recommended. Just have Kleenex.

Other books that have really been important to me . . . no particular order and I'm forgetting a lot:

George MacDonald's "Princess" books

C.S. Lewis - anything at all, but I've read the Narnia series at least 50 times

Tolkien (of course)

Lullabies for Little Criminals

One Child

Jane Eyre

Schuyler's Monster

This Present Darkness

some book in my elementary school that was about a child who lived with badgers for a year (I think now he must have been autistic, but I don't think that was mentioned)

A Wrinkle in Time (the whole series)

Magic by the Lake

Exodus (by Leon Uris)

Calvin and Hobbes

L'Abri

God's Smuggler

Something More

The Hiding Place

The "Jungle Doctor" series

Star of Light

John Lyons on Horses

To Kill a Mockingbird

The Little Drummer Girl

I'll probably add to this list as I think of other books. These aren't my "favourite" books. That's another list. These are the ones that have clicked pieces in me that helped make me who I am. Just a little idealistic but I hope that never changes.

Ode to Labour Day camping.

My kids are hilarious. Hilarious. I don't know whether to laugh or beat my head against the nearest picnic table but there you go. They do lighten up the soundtrack quite a bit. This weekend we took them camping to Waskesiu for a couple of nights. It was hot all last week - really hot - and it was supposed to be hot on the weekend but it wasn't. Now we're back to school/work and it's hot again. Go figure. Anyway, we took them camping in our minimalist style, all 5 of us crammed into the Camry that was much bigger a few years ago when Seth wasn't taller than me. They sat on blankets and pillows and we all carried stuff in our laps and we brought exactly enough food to last for most of the w/e and no more. Certainly no camping chairs. We had a great time. Levi could not keep away from the fire and explored all its properties despite frequent reminders to not walk around the forest with a burning torch. He honestly had a hard time remembering that one. Heidi had some true Heidi moments. She tends to be at least a beat and a half behind the conversation and says "What?" a lot even though her hearing is fine. At one point she tuned in while we were alternately talking about stopping to look at some tamaracks and stopping to get some Kleenex from the trunk for Seth who was quite runny-nosed. She panicked and yelled out "What?! We have to blow our noses on TAMARACKS?!!"

We had to give Levi a serious spitting lesson too. Because of the bears of course you can't go around spitting toothpaste into the forest. So we instructed the kids to spit in the fire. Levi did so enthusiastically that he sprayed toothpaste all over the bannock baking in plain sight on the grate of the fire. We didn't really enjoy the clean minty bannock taste.

Seth spent as much time as possible splitting wood with our extremely heavy duty welded metal splitting axe that probably weighs 25 lbs. He felt terribly sorry for the site next to us full of college age "men" who had only a pitiful little hatchet, and at one point went over and offered the use of our real axe. They declined. Probably couldn't have lifted it as it was heavier than a beer bottle. Just kidding. Anyway, Seth has grown up a lot in the last year and this summer has started to feel compassion for us as we parent. It's very sweet but disconcerting when he tries to lighten the load for us by whispering suggestions or restraining comments to the other two who have definitely not yet discovered that corner of empathy. At one point we were eating lunch together and I had this flash of realization that all too soon Seth will be gone. Working or with his own friends or worse yet with a girlfriend, but not part of our tight little circle forever and ever.

All the kids really enjoyed themselves even though it was cloudy and rainy the whole time. We did two hikes. The second one was my idea and against a chorus of protests. See, last year we had a great beach day once. Towards the end of the day, as the wind was picking up I told everyone of my good memories of swimming in Kingsmere Lake on a little deserted beach a short way up the hike to Grey Owl's Cabin. I thought the hike was a few minutes so they trustingly started out after me, all in swimsuits, carrying our towels, wearing sandals and most ominously with absolutely no bug spray on or along. Half an hour later after I had twenty times reassured everyone that it had to be around the next bend, we arrived. We were incredibly hot, sweaty, scratched from the brambles and completely covered in mosquito bites. When we got there the water was lovely (it's a very very shallow part of the lake with great waves to play in) but the horseflies were even more vicious than the mosquitos, if that were possible. Poor Heidi had to use the bathroom (no. 2 of course) and there are absolutely no facilities there as it is basically just a part of a trail. So then we swam, very quickly and mostly to get away from the horseflies. On the way back we were wet and that much more appetizing to the only wildlife that counted. Poor Dan who tastes good to all things insect was just blanketed. We ran the half hour hike back with Dan carrying Heidi most of the way so she wouldn't get left behind for the bears. It was nothing but memorable.

So this time, we were prepared. We wore full apparel over our swimsuits and carried our undies along to change into. We went to the bathroom before. We sprayed ourselves liberally with bugspray, and we wore good shoes. Most importantly, we expected a half hour hike and were not therefore disappointed. When we got to the lake it was great although disappointingly cold and even more rainy than when we left but still great fun. By the time we got back we were tired but nicely hungry for the aforementioned bannock (and stew) supper around a fire. Levi started out saying he had a "really, really bad feeling about this, Mom", but after about 15 minutes said, "I have a really bad feeling about this. So that's better than a really really bad feeling . . ." Thanks, son.

Okay, I have to go back to parenting. My middle child is chattering at me with a tinfoil helmet on and I suppose at some point I should really pay attention. You never know with him.

Happy September!

asthma

It is quite ironic that this spring and summer have been the worst ever for our children and ourselves in terms of upper respiratory function. Our counter is a complete pharmacy sporting multiple puffers, nasal mists, antibiotics all with completely different regimes (it is so clear which doctors have kids and which do not, yet) as well as antihistamines and decongestants and of course hundreds and hundreds of used Kleenex that bloom like perennials no matter how ruthlessly they are harvested.

One of the major reasons we pushed through last summer and moving into a brand new trailer of terrible workmanship albeit much more counter space, was Levi's asthma and our fear that our old trailer which was truly very very old and decrepit and starting to take on lives of its own . . . was contributing to his difficulties with frequent and prolonged chest infections. Well, this summer on July 23 we all celebrated as the old trailer was moved away, rumbling up the driveway whence it had come rumbling down only 14 years ago. At about this time all the kids became sick and just continued to get sicker.

Granted, it has been a very wonky summer weather-wise and the docs all agree that there is more asthma around because it's so wet and hot and cold and dry and humid. However, all three kids suddenly flaring up and not being able to run for a month or more and having constantly runny noses seems like major allergies to me and that leaves living in the country with trees and horses and flowers and bugs - none of which seems reasonable to give up. Anyway, now after the whole summer of being the sole healthy survivor I am feeling the dreaded furry sore throat and my voice is just about totally gone. Great. I am so sick of sickness I could scream. Except of course I can only kind of croak.

Anyway, that is the major reason for the scarcity of posts this summer. It hasn't been as cheery as I would have liked. Not to say it's been bad. Kids are incredibly resilient and for the most part have been very unaware of exactly how sick they are, only melting down occasionally at bedtime and reading a bit more than I would expect for a typical summer. I have been doggedly working through my various responsibilities and gardening when I can and playing with the horses when I can as well. Seth is now able to take Chess and just go explore the forest. That's great. Bluejay continues to be sadly neglected and I have done very little with Jetta except lots of groundwork to drive home the speed control issues she was having - as in, I control the speed. They are mostly employed cutting the grass which they do exceptionally well.

So, now that I've caught you up on our exciting lives, I will go and attempt to harvest Swiss Chard whilst looking after six kids as our neighbours are dropping theirs off for the afternoon. On a rainy afternoon. I'm thinking the kids' rooms will need the services of Dan's Bobcat by this evening!

What a month

Just had the most fantastic time(s) with my side of the family - all my three brothers and their entire families as well as my parents. I am so blessed with my family, and I feel more than ever how much thought and care and prayer and love my parents put into our lives and how it is paying back now. As an aside, nothing says summer at our place like a good mud fight. However, there wasn't exactly informed consent in this case. Our boys asked if they could roll in the mud and we said yes. What they did not realize was that they were not under any circumstances going to make it into the nice hot showers like that. Nope, it was the ice cold hose for them. Poor little guys. Connor was the bravest. I think that Levi was close to tears but he manfully resisted. It had shades of Guantanamo Bay as it was not one of the few truly hot days we have experienced . . . anyway, it was fun when the picture was taken!

All this was tempered by the sudden and unexpected "stumbling into heaven" of my brother Dave's father in law - Art Budd. He fell 20 feet from a ladder and just like that, an incredible person went to be with God. My first impression when I got the call was wow, I forgot that people die. It shouldn't be allowed. You're going along trying to keep up with the laundry and the toilet paper and planning for a camping trip and irritated at gas prices and your spouse for forgetting to get toilet paper, and then all of a sudden, you remember that we are mortal - so dangerously so. It was a shock that is going to reverberate for a long time as Art was intricately bound up in many projects, not the least being Dave and Deb's log house that needs to be weatherproofed at least by this fall. Of course the projects did not define Art - but his incredible presence was most felt in hard work for his family - at least that was my impression looking in. Dan was more in tune with Art and his Budd work ethic as it is remarkably similar to the Lundell work ethic and expectations for a reasonable day's achievements. Very practical in their expressions of love and so every practical job will cause his family to miss him in a painfully tactile way for a very long time.

This tragedy happened just before our semi-annual Waskesiu Block (and Lundell) gathering and so we were able to all be with Dave and Deb and their kids first for the Memorial Service in Saskatoon, and then for a day later on at the lake. Lots of emotions.

Meanwhile, when we got the news we were waiting for Tim and Cheryl and their four kids, the youngest whom we had never met! to arrive at our place for a few precious days after two years of being 2 provinces away. So that was a wonderful time up to and including the service and going to meet everyone at Beaver Glen in Waskesiu. I can't really describe my feelings about all my brothers and their wives and kids - there is so much big sister in me still that I get choked up every time I see them which is so seldom as we are all so far apart and truly in the busiest seasons of our lives. I am proud and protective and bossy and mother-hennish and also just drinking in all the wonder of the little lives growing up around our knees and waists and shoulders and now head heights! So marvelous! I am so lucky in the sisters in law that my brothers chose and have committed to. They are all such incredible women and I admire, like, enjoy and also can just relax around them. Sisters that I never had to share my room with. :) They are all also doing really hard things and taking on challenges of spirit and muscle in ways that inspire me and encourage me to keep going in my own life, feeling a lot less isolated. Again, so much of what we are enjoying now comes back to the parenting we and the in laws received a generation ago. It is encouraging to stay the course so as to do this all again with our kids as grown-ups.

Now we as a small little family are slowly getting back to normal. We went to a second sort of gathering comprised of house churches - our own, Tim and Cheryl and their kids, and my parents with a few other families from Saskatoon at Smoothstone Lake Lodge. This was a little less like camping as the meals were provided and we slept under roofs but we spent the days outside on the beach with excellent weather. Apparently just south (at least in Saskatoon) it rained all weekend but we had almost hot weather. The point of this weekend was mutual encouragement I think but I must admit I was just selfishly trying to get as much time in with Tim and Cheryl and co. before the inevitable parting for who knows how long.

So, now that the laundry is caught up and the kids have baked another batch of cookies I will have to get back into gear for the rest of the summer where I will be working probably quite a bit. I haven't done anything with the horses for at least 3 weeks and the garden will start to need some attention (especially with the buckets and torrents of rain we got in the last 24 hours). I need to start up an exercise regime again - I never seem to stay in routine for longer than a month if that. Tomorrow is my last day of designated "holidays" and I will have to probably expect to not sleep til 9 every morning. Sigh. It's been a wonderful interval of outdoorsy socializing with great people, and now I need to use the encouragement to get back to work - good work with more great people, but definitely starting earlier than 10 am. Keeping in mind our mortality - amazing our capacity for denial of that. Life is thick like an Oh Henry chocolate bar. Parts of it keep getting stuck in our teeth and we forget what we're doing . . .