What a month

Just had the most fantastic time(s) with my side of the family - all my three brothers and their entire families as well as my parents. I am so blessed with my family, and I feel more than ever how much thought and care and prayer and love my parents put into our lives and how it is paying back now. As an aside, nothing says summer at our place like a good mud fight. However, there wasn't exactly informed consent in this case. Our boys asked if they could roll in the mud and we said yes. What they did not realize was that they were not under any circumstances going to make it into the nice hot showers like that. Nope, it was the ice cold hose for them. Poor little guys. Connor was the bravest. I think that Levi was close to tears but he manfully resisted. It had shades of Guantanamo Bay as it was not one of the few truly hot days we have experienced . . . anyway, it was fun when the picture was taken!

All this was tempered by the sudden and unexpected "stumbling into heaven" of my brother Dave's father in law - Art Budd. He fell 20 feet from a ladder and just like that, an incredible person went to be with God. My first impression when I got the call was wow, I forgot that people die. It shouldn't be allowed. You're going along trying to keep up with the laundry and the toilet paper and planning for a camping trip and irritated at gas prices and your spouse for forgetting to get toilet paper, and then all of a sudden, you remember that we are mortal - so dangerously so. It was a shock that is going to reverberate for a long time as Art was intricately bound up in many projects, not the least being Dave and Deb's log house that needs to be weatherproofed at least by this fall. Of course the projects did not define Art - but his incredible presence was most felt in hard work for his family - at least that was my impression looking in. Dan was more in tune with Art and his Budd work ethic as it is remarkably similar to the Lundell work ethic and expectations for a reasonable day's achievements. Very practical in their expressions of love and so every practical job will cause his family to miss him in a painfully tactile way for a very long time.

This tragedy happened just before our semi-annual Waskesiu Block (and Lundell) gathering and so we were able to all be with Dave and Deb and their kids first for the Memorial Service in Saskatoon, and then for a day later on at the lake. Lots of emotions.

Meanwhile, when we got the news we were waiting for Tim and Cheryl and their four kids, the youngest whom we had never met! to arrive at our place for a few precious days after two years of being 2 provinces away. So that was a wonderful time up to and including the service and going to meet everyone at Beaver Glen in Waskesiu. I can't really describe my feelings about all my brothers and their wives and kids - there is so much big sister in me still that I get choked up every time I see them which is so seldom as we are all so far apart and truly in the busiest seasons of our lives. I am proud and protective and bossy and mother-hennish and also just drinking in all the wonder of the little lives growing up around our knees and waists and shoulders and now head heights! So marvelous! I am so lucky in the sisters in law that my brothers chose and have committed to. They are all such incredible women and I admire, like, enjoy and also can just relax around them. Sisters that I never had to share my room with. :) They are all also doing really hard things and taking on challenges of spirit and muscle in ways that inspire me and encourage me to keep going in my own life, feeling a lot less isolated. Again, so much of what we are enjoying now comes back to the parenting we and the in laws received a generation ago. It is encouraging to stay the course so as to do this all again with our kids as grown-ups.

Now we as a small little family are slowly getting back to normal. We went to a second sort of gathering comprised of house churches - our own, Tim and Cheryl and their kids, and my parents with a few other families from Saskatoon at Smoothstone Lake Lodge. This was a little less like camping as the meals were provided and we slept under roofs but we spent the days outside on the beach with excellent weather. Apparently just south (at least in Saskatoon) it rained all weekend but we had almost hot weather. The point of this weekend was mutual encouragement I think but I must admit I was just selfishly trying to get as much time in with Tim and Cheryl and co. before the inevitable parting for who knows how long.

So, now that the laundry is caught up and the kids have baked another batch of cookies I will have to get back into gear for the rest of the summer where I will be working probably quite a bit. I haven't done anything with the horses for at least 3 weeks and the garden will start to need some attention (especially with the buckets and torrents of rain we got in the last 24 hours). I need to start up an exercise regime again - I never seem to stay in routine for longer than a month if that. Tomorrow is my last day of designated "holidays" and I will have to probably expect to not sleep til 9 every morning. Sigh. It's been a wonderful interval of outdoorsy socializing with great people, and now I need to use the encouragement to get back to work - good work with more great people, but definitely starting earlier than 10 am. Keeping in mind our mortality - amazing our capacity for denial of that. Life is thick like an Oh Henry chocolate bar. Parts of it keep getting stuck in our teeth and we forget what we're doing . . .

Just a touch whiny today

Okay, I think my kids are almost all better.  They are all in school today which is a huge change.  Course there's only 5 days left.  I made porridge as usual for them this morning.  Levi complained also as usual and I told him I did it out of love :).  For which he had no reply except his trademarked disgusted rolling of the eyes.  I also hate porridge as my mother also loved me enough to get up and dazily (she is also not a morning person) do the 5 minutes work to get it together every school day.  However, it is incredibly cheap.  And breakfast cereal is incredibly not.  And our kids are beginning to eat so much that calories per penny matters.  So there you go.  However they and I both know that I am not going to be making porridge in the summer holidays so I will have to either put together some granola on a regular basis (not cheap but a bit more filling) or we need to get chickens and have eggs every am.  I love my cold cereal - it's my ultimate comfort food but with the milk and with how much they can pack in their bowls its ridiculous. 

I always come back to how we should be growing our own food.  Dan and I are stuck in entirely the wrong century.  I would LOVE to have goats and thus have our own milk and lean meat supply to supplement the chickens and the theoretical garden (this is the wrong part of the world to garden let me tell you) and that would save so much money.  Ha.  Of course it wouldn't because the fencing alone is a 6 months supply of Superstore ground beef.  Also, I am getting tireder or maybe just lazier and I don't know if I really am up to the daily chores thing.  I can't offload another entire set of duties on Dan who works way too hard all the time.  And the kids could do it on days they don't go to school but that's it.  Otherwise they get overtired and sick and our whole month is off!   Such as this May and June.   Maybe we should homeschool and then we could at least not have to start the whole day at 6 am which is also something I dislike intensely.  Except we would fill our day up with so many mandatory chores that we would actually have to get up at 5 so that wouldn't work.  

It's pretty hard to live in this century and pay for cell phones and high speed and soccer every day of the week as well as two vehicles and a mortgage . . . and also dream about self-sufficiency and solar power and labour intensive food raising.  "I want it all!" Silly.  Which reminds me that I should do some work - paid money sort of work as well as cleaning up some aspect of this house which is smothering under 3-5 people's used Kleenex.  I hate being practical.  Romantic and idealistic is more me.  Too bad the real world won't cooperate!

Sensory processing and me

Well this is more like it.  It is hot hot hot.  Thunderstorms in the evening and not even windy.  My garden is finally coming up.  The grass is going to seed but at least it isn't brown - just enough rain to keep it alive.  One more full week of school and the last week of soccer, although again Heidi is missing tonight.  She missed going to the Melfort Wave Pool today and yesterday a really fun birthday party as she is struggling with a really bad virus.  She's been sleeping a lot.  This is the third one in a row and it is getting really tiring.  I think there have maybe been two or three days in the last month and a half where all our kids have been in school.  I have been a Mom on duty pretty much full time for a very long time.  Just in time for summer.  At least then I won't have to get up quite as early to get the healthy ones to the bus.  Levi did get antibiotics but no dice for Heidi.  I understand that they're overprescribed but after 6 weeks of being sick . . . come on.  How much school should kids miss?  The fact that Levi was amazingly better within 24 hours of starting his pretty much convinced me that they were the answer.  Course now he is back to his incredibly energetic self and seems even that much more larger than life after being sick and calm for so long.

Dan and I were working together with a child with Attic Therapy and afterwards he questioned why I had paused for such a long time at a certain point, when the child was obviously "frozen".  He felt that at that point it would have been more helpful to give clear directions, but I was waiting for the child to unfreeze and start processing again.  We had a long discussion afterwards which was interesting because it made me realize how "sensory" I am and how not everyone is (including him).  Sensory in that I am very very affected by my environment and often feel that it is "too much" or alternatively that I need more input to stay awake or to deal with information at all coherently.  I can be very controlling of certain parts of my environment and I guess I assumed most people are or would like to be, although I know that he isn't.  He is controlling in other areas of course but things like temperature, lighting, background music or lack thereof, and general "busy-ness" don't really register with him.  For me they are absolutely crucial to how I am able to function.  It often happens (probably once or twice a week) that I begin to shut down just because my brain is too tired to handle all the incoming sensory data and so one by one my sensory systems go "off-line".  It's almost like blacking out in stages. At that point I have to get away (usually just by curling up on the couch and reading or something very calm like that), and I certainly can't be driving!   Anyway, this is such a common occurrence for me that when it happened with that child I knew that the best thing would be to give him time without a lot of information until he came back "to his senses".  Which he did, and you could see him slowly start to register sight, then hearing, then position, then movement, then touch.  Pretty neat.

Most of what I do with kids I do because occupational therapy has an entire language and knowledge base that gives a framework to understand this kind of process.  I learnt the language but the therapy part is extremely intuitive.  OT just taught me why certain things work with me and why I feel pretty certain that a certain thing will work with a kid.  I know because I can look at them and at their eyes and just try to figure out "if I was in that space, what would I do to get myself organized?"  And because I have been in an awful lot of those spaces (disorganized, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, needing to crash into things, needing not to be touched, needing to move, needing not to move and so on) it's usually pretty easy to give them what they need and then get on with the fun stuff. 

My point is that I have been wondering how many other people function like this - constantly fine-tuning the environment around themselves and the people they love to keep it at exactly the right "temperature" for whatever needs to get done.  I find this process very tiring when there are 3 kids and myself and a husband (who isn't picky but sometimes gets his back up about the oddest things - for some reason I can't get into his head at all) to keep track of.  Makes me shut down quite early in the evening even though I am naturally an evening person.  I'd like to know what it would be like to parent without worrying about that stuff all the time.  Is it a lot easier?  Or do you just worry about different things that never occur to me?  Dan would say yes, like all the practical details of life such as closing the door, turning off lights when you leave a room, and remembering your grocery list.  I can never remember that stuff.  

Ah well, now I have to remember to make supper.  Getting fed is a pretty important part of my kids daily sensory routine.

Things I like

(This picture is "Hidden Lake" where all our kids really learned to swim - it used to be deeper).

I like the claw foot tub on our deck full of flowers.  I like John Lyon's training methods for horses.  They are so not stressful.  I like Friday afternoon when the kids come home all tired and I realize I don't have to get up the next morning and make porridge and sign agendas.  I like the colour of leaves against the sky in the morning and I love the look of swallows swooping around our yard in the evening when their tummies light up because the sun is low and syrupy.  I like writing without thinking such as this kind of writing instead of developmental reports describing the results of standardized testing!  I like really good piano playing.  Speaking of which, I really like Keith Green.  I like running when my knees don't hurt.  I like watching water run.  I like getting really dirty and then getting really clean.  I like the smell of horse sweat.  I like it when my house is sort of clean although the process I don't like so much.  I like going on a tear.  I like Nickelback really really loud although that cannot happen around our kids.  I like good boots and old jeans (as anyone who knows me will find obvious).  I like wool socks.  I love ice cream, especially with chocolate and nuts.  I like really well done movies that aren't really about serious topics - like Spiderman (although not the third one, that was awful) and Pirates of the Caribbean (although not the second or third ones - too wierd and dark).  I like talking for hours about feelings and dreams and ideals (except now that I go to bed around 9 that doesn't happen often).  I love sleeping.  I like riding really fast so you feel like you're flying.  I like it when everyone around me is having a really good time and no one is upset about anything.  I like being outside as much as possible and if you're inside having all the windows open.  Even in winter although that's not practical.  I like wood heat.  I like rototilling a lot.  I often rototill too much.  It's probably not even good for the garden but our quackgrass justifies it.  I like it when people are really honest.  I like black humour.  I like it when kids "get" something for the very first time.

I am feeling a lot better now!

Summer is here!!

It is so ridiculous to try to garden in this climate.  I have finished planting a huge beautiful piece of ground and so far in one week it has been dried, blown away, frozen and baked to a crisp.  It has NOT been rained on to any great degree and our water pressure is such that with a soaker hose (really the only option when it is 30 above and windy) it would take approximately 3 days to cover the entire garden changing the location each hour or so during the day.  And I had better not slack off either because by three days the first rows are bone dry again.  I tried mulching with straw around the peppers and tomatoes and now straw is flying everywhere. 

Furthermore we have a nice new inflatable pool that we have been waiting and waiting to set up until the little sticky poplar buds have all been dropped.  Today I looked up and saw waving green leaves and thought "great! I could set this up today since it is brutally hot and have it ready to go by the time the kids get home from school."  And since then the entire deck has been coated with sticky little pieces of tree gum including my carefully placed and rolled out pool. 

However, on the upside, I have been going at a moderate pace all day and it's almost 2 and I don't feel like keeling over, so I might be getting better.  It's hard to judge sometimes between normal morning tired (I am NOT a morning person) and stay horizontal as much as possible or you will pay tired.

The horses are really getting annoyed with me as not only are they bored stiff - I haven't done a thing with them for a week and a half - but I am not letting them out on the grass.  That is because the grass is not really growing.  I let them out for a total of 6 hours on our one acre pasture over two days widely spaced and the grass is probably shot.  There's no moisture.  We are back to a drought with a vengeance unless something changes.  I am just worried about the forest.  The Canwood fire is apparently still burning although under control.  That was bad and could have been worse.  I think there will be a lot more fires this summer at this rate.

Anyway, I am considering my energy and whether to try to work with Jetta this afternoon.  It is very hot but she really really needs it.  If I can I probably should.  On the other hand, if I do too much today I will not really lick this virus and working with horses means I completely forget about time passing.   Hmmm.  Oh!  Time to go move that soaker hose!

Smoke etc.

Well, another weekend, and another forest fire on the horizon.  This one was about 40 kms away but still in the same forest surrounding us and for a while the smoke was billowing quite spectacularly over the trees.  It's becoming a regular Sunday afternoon thing.  It is out today for which I am very grateful.  I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I am just draining from a terrific head cold that seemed to completely plug up my neural synapses as well as take away any vestiges of energy I had for the last week.  On Dan's birthday last Friday I temporarily felt better and made the big mistake of doing a full day's work including cleaning my fridge, baking an angel food cake from scratch, and vacuuming the whole house as well as laundry and dishes.  Plus I made a picnic supper which we had at "Hidden Lake" with the kids getting turns on the dirt bike and Dan taking a few adult style spins.  That was apparently a bit too much excitement and so the next two days I could not really function at all.  I finally went to the Dr. and thanks to Nasonex am enjoying a constant slimy feeling in the back of my throat which convulsive swallowing does not help at all.  However, occasionally I can feel my ears crackling again.  I guess they were completely blocked.  Heidi has been enjoying this same journey with me with the addition of wheezing in her chest that had the Dr. mention the asthma word.  Oh great.  I thought that was something the new house was supposed to keep at bay.  However, weekly forest fires probably don't help either.

Our internet cable is buried and the land smoothed up to the house (from the barn) and none too soon as Seth has been going crazy on the dirt bike and it was a near thing several times as he tended to forget about the existence of the overground cable.  That could have been bad.  We also now have a nice smooth "front lawn" thanks to Dan's Bobcat finesse and I have all sorts of energy rich ideas for landscaping.  That is the problem as usual - where to start? 

Now that a website is a real possibility I would love to practice with a personal one before attempting a professional one.  Both are big projects at least the way that I do things.  When it is raining like today I could go nuts but I hate to start something that I will not get back to for several months if ever.  Especially if I forget to do more important things as a result.  So I'll let it simmer and see how the day goes.  The rest of the week is very busy with both my jobs and that is likely to continue for the month.  The Waskesiu weekend with my whole family is coming up very quickly and I have no idea if we even own a tent.  Not to mention that most of our camping stuff spent the winter in the barn and the cats seem to have peed on everything of value in that structure.  They are really the most unhygienic, disgustingly dirty animals I have ever encountered.  But they kill mice.  And birds, and squirrels and the occasional rabbit.  Again, evidence in the barn.  There's a really pressing project, to completely clean that out and put absolutely everything in it on the wall somehow.

I wrote a poem last week for the first time in a very long time!  For Dan's birthday.  I wasn't sure if that part of my brain had completely atrophied but it's still there in the background.  Waiting for retirement, most likely.  

Well, anyway, it's been lovely blogging but I do need to get on with my day.  In some direction or other.

High speed!

Wow! After only 8 months of having water in our new home we finally have high speed!  This feels like the last convenience - almost as great as a dishwasher!  It sure took long enough.  Dan had to badger several companies for months before some tech guys finally showed up.  Then it seemed to go remarkably easily.  We now have a pretty inconspicuous mast on the top of our barn and Dan is busy digging the wire in a trench to our home so we don't immediately wreck the whole system.  However, this page popped up immediately instead of the usual 5-10 minutes to get dialed up and load. I cannot believe how wonderful this will be.  I can finally consider a website.  I can access Facebook and all the people that have recognized me but I couldn't acknowledge because that process could take up to half an hour.  We can surf and even check the weather without a ten minute commitment!!  Hooray!  Not to mention iTunes!

I am so sick this week which is unfortunate because it is also finally lovely weather.  I planted some of my bedding plants this morning because it rained last night and so the soil was nice and moist, however that was enough to require an hour lying down.  I had to cancel one of my little clients today because I don't want her catching whatever this is.  Also I can't think all that clearly and certainly can't move all that fast.  May has worked out to be almost a holiday for me from Attic Therapy.  Lots of cancellations because of sickness.  I guess it was my turn.  That's good because of my often hinted at need to consider my future and options.  I've had time to think and talk with Dan more than usual.  And get the garden in!  It looks so nice right now - all black and soft and even.  I love the first two months when everything behaves and nothing is too tall and untamed.  Everything green and healthy growing in straight lines.  Very lovely.

Dan thinks that I try to be all things to all people and I should stop. I don't think that's possible.  I just need to decide where to be so the people I am with are the people I should be with at any given moment.  No problem. Most of the time the decision is made for me anyway.  However broad strokes are up to me - volunteer at school or not?  Work more or less?  Spend time with friends or family?  I think too much.  Now I'm going to be online too much.  Hooray!!