Light and dark

I'm back from Victoria where I spent a very enjoyable 4 days with my co-workers from Mental Health learning about FASD and the current state of research and ideas for intervention.  It was much warmer there and there were a great deal more boats than I generally see in a day.  I'll write more about the content of the conference on my professional blog which should soon be up with my website (hopefully!).  It was a good conference in that most of the concurrent sessions I went to went through sensory processing theory and how self-regulation is the key way in to manage behaviours that otherwise are pretty inevitable with FAS.

It was very different being "single" and sans kids for that long.  I don't think I've been away that long by myself in the kids' lives.  Not that I can think of.  Regulating short people's emotions is very tiring even when you don't know you're doing it and to suddenly be mostly responsible only for myself was incredibly different.  I felt so much more in control of my responses and able to use strategies so easily.  If I wanted to go running, it was pretty easy to fit it in.  If I wanted to talk, there were people around who could talk for a long time about abstract things.  I could see new things and spend time alone and nap and be giddy without regard for too many other responsibilities.  It was very unreal.  Back at home, I am catching up on housework and helping the kids with their homework as well as my own jobs and it is coming back to me that I get tired a lot.  I am very happy for the privilege of living in a family and having the roles I do.  I would rather have my life than the single Lynn life, no question.  But it is always good to know what energy output needs to be allowed for.

I could concentrate on my friends for good chunks of time in the way that I remember doing as a University student, but that is not realistic when I do need to concentrate on my husband and kids and still have the emotional and thinking energy to go to to work.

Dan and I talked a lot on the way home from Regina, where I ended up for an awards ceremony for my boss.  There is a great deal of hostility to families in the world, and I think it is very spiritual.  We feel that it has taken a great deal of energy to preserve our marriage and family to this point and that this has not been accidental or easy.  We also don't feel that adding any further "missions" to our lives is even possible, given the level of threat to what we have.  Paul tells the Ephesians to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (6:10-13)  I love that we don't even have to make it one step forward, just stand.  A lot of days that takes everything I've got and all my reliance on God's mighty power.

It's something to contemplate continuing to be involved fully with people in our culture which is so very anti-God and so destructive personally and relationally.  At this point in our lives, it is like entering a war zone with one's eyes open, able to visualize the pain of bullets and shrapnel, understanding that we are going into harm's way, on purpose.  That is not even a "mission", it is just life on this "dark world".  

I also love the passage from Philippians 2:14-16a: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life . . . "   That part of not complaining or arguing is pretty hard, but I like that we can "shine" just from holding the word of life.  We don't need to do much more than hold God's presence and words in us - his light is so much more powerful than the darkness.  In that way the warfare we wage is not through our own ability or decisiveness or goodness.  It is just being present with God while we are present in the world.  The dark powers and authorities and so on cannot touch us.  Jesus sent out his disciples as "lambs among wolves" knowing full well the power of their opposition (demonic authority) and yet knowing full well also that they were completely safe despite their complete inadequacy.  I love God!  He is so upside down from the way the world fights.  He loves trust from the weakest of us.  It's so freeing.

Anyway, the whole point is that whether I am tired from this or that, my real purpose on this planet is to be close to God wherever I am and hold his word inside me, preferably keeping my mouth from complaining or arguing.  No problem!  And I think that that is the whole purpose of man - to glorify God and enjoy him forever.  How can the devil fight that if we are willing to die standing doing that?  There's nothing he can do. 

So I am glad to be back pouring myself into my kids and my marriage and occasionally into the other special people who are brought into my life, enjoying God's care in the midst of destruction, but knowing that even my suffering is for a purpose and that spiritually I am completely secure no matter what.  That is something I can do.

Untangling

Whew.  What a week.  I cannot wait til spring.  Heidi is home with a cold and so I am home as well which is okay as I am still trying to untangle the various threads in my life and keep them all straight.  There is always the housework.  There are sports our kids are in.  There are our animals - especially the dog and horses who always need attention.  There is our marriage - very intensive.  There are our friends - as I've noted before I think I need to structure more time in for all of you.  There is the Attic as a whole - landscaping, fencing, home maintenance, getting chickens, and so on and so forth. There is keeping in shape which is very much a priority as my shoulders continue to act up with the least little strain.  There is Attic Therapy, which as I've also mentioned I am working hard to develop in terms of specific directions.  There is my job with the Health Region which dovetails more or less with my business but requires constant attention so as not to be a conflict of interest.   There is Dan's job with OnTask Rehab, which, as he is a co-owner/operator of Attic Therapy, requires attention so as not to conflict time-wise and also because we work together.  There is the need for continuing education which needs to be booked well in advance; unfortunately well in advance is not how I think. There is family who are important but all far away.  Last but least negotiable is my relationship with God, which at least is well and truly structured in as I can't survive without time alone with Him.  All of this stuff has to be considered and priorized and done and all of my decisions need to keep all of this in mind.

As I said before, we pulled out wedding pictures this w/e to show the kids and also a bunch of early days here at the Attic.  Our land was completely empty when we bought it and so our first few years we had relatively light footprints here.  The land was healthy and the fences were all new and the grass looked thick and green.  We didn't have "junk" or bare patches or a garden or started projects or an old trailer we can't sell.  Also, we hadn't had a huge forest fire on the heels of a drought which killed most of the forest and then a tornado that knocked down any remaining tall trees. It looked so clean!  I would like to get back to that time but of course you can't go back in time. Kids grow and so do lives and they get thicker. 

It somehow seems easier to untangle my life if I just write it down.  I don't know why. It's like sorting thread or something. It just requires me to do one thing at a time, one half hour at a time.  And not forget anything crucial, like my hair cut last week!  Oh well.  Keeping up my appearance is just way way down on the list.

Avoiding housework

Supper is almost made (it's in the slow cooker and I just need to make rice later on).  Some squares are in the frig.  I've done my Denise Austin dance workout (very funny but I did work up a sweat) and also done some book ordering for Attic Therapy.  This week has been an intense business week of setting directions and figuring out what is possible and what is not.  There are a lot of paths I could take and each one is intriguing in its own way but the cold hard fist of reality has me by the scruff of the neck and the above mentioned activities do still need to get done on a semi-regular basis.  Not to mention laundry and vacuuming which at the moment I am avoiding by writing here. I constantly struggle for moderation in everything I do and that generally means (wait for it, any OT's out there!) structure structure structure.  If I must do things on a daily basis and if there is a time set aside for them to be done and a place and materials ready . . . they still may not get done.  But at least I do not have an excuse.

This brings me to the whole issue of friendship.  It would be great to be able to be friends the way I used to be - those lovely years when I lived on my own with great roommates in a city far from my parents so I didn't feel responsible for their feelings . .  but also I didn't have any real responsibilities.  Except getting through university but of course you can always cut a class or miss a night of sleep and make things work.  Life was a lot more malleable back then.  It totally suited me.  I felt really close to a lot of people, each in a unique way.  There were chances to do tons of interesting and widely diverse things with other people and still stick to a student's budget of about $400 a month.  Not no more.  No sir.

Last night the kids made us pull out our wedding album.  Wow.  Lots of pictures of people I haven't seen literally since that day.  After our wedding we moved directly to PA where we knew absolutely no one and started completely new jobs and lives together.  While our marriage has I think mostly recovered from that shock, my ability to have deep and meaningful friendships has not. 

For one thing, I am now scared of commitment.  I'm not good at day to day structured contact.  I much prefer one all night conversation plumbing the depths of emotional reality to mundane phone calls and "coffees" together on a weekly basis.  However, I think (at least I'm coming to think) that relationships, like velcro, are made of hundreds of tiny points of contact.  Not one giant piece of sticky tape.  For another thing, who should I be friends with?  My life is so weird and I fit loosely and not well into so many categories that there is no one group of people that calls to me as a group I will fit in well with.  I am acquaintances with lots of people I like and admire.  But to take it to the next step - I'm somewhat at a loss.  Thus the blogging.  It's one way I can explain myself at my own rate and possibly someone else may be able to meet me occasionally - hopefully in person occasionally but also in ideas and ideals and mundane information day to day.  Wow.  This sounds like a really bad personals ad.  How did I get here?  Again, moderation, Lynn. :) 

On a lighter note, Dan was able to trim Jetta's hooves this weekend with absolutely excellent behaviour on her part.  We have been working on that for the last year and so I was proud of her.  It was necessary too as she had chipped a gouge the size of a good sized cookie out of the left fore.  I don't know how that can't hurt but she seemed okay with it.  I was contemplating riding her out this week but then it got way cold again.  However I did get an actual run in as some kind stranger has plowed the railway tracks for a logging road presumably and it's possible to run quite a ways.  That was the other day when it was only -4.  Very encouraging.

Okay, time to vacuum.

the kids are tired

Well, I've started a website finally.  Again.  I worked on one last spring for a long time and then my computer crashed and in the resulting wiping of the hard drive that one item did not get backed up like I thought.  I did not really understand website construction and the assumption of Apple that I would immediately publish it and so it would be safe on the web.  Ha.

I think I understand more this go-round having both read the manual and bought a book no less. It seems actually fun but very time intensive given that I am planning a huge website with lots of features and pages and options and so on.  Nothing simple for me, no way. 

The kids have had a full week of socializing with lots of sleepovers and today is the first day of the February break that we have all been home together.  I cannot believe how crabby everyone is.  We are such a family of introverts!  Debby and my Dad both think I am too but I still cannot quite agree.  I do get energy from being alone, but only to a point, and then if I don't have human contact I will go nuts.  I remember one summer job where I was alone in an office for most of the summer listening to CBC and doing something very mindless.  I have never talked so much each supper.  My roommates laughed at me all summer because I chattered so much.  It was the same when I was home with two small babies.  I joined a sewing group in Crutwell and just relished the chance to talk with other adults.  Until they started quilting and got serious about the task - then it was just work.  Sometimes if I have spent too much time alone I will talk to Dan for about an hour without even needing him to respond except for his classic minimalist "hm".

Anyway, the problem with human contact is that everyone is so screwed up.  If I could be an extrovert with all the well-adjusted people out there (all two of you) it would be clear to everyone that that is what I am.  But people continue to have feelings and as long as they do I will try to co-regulate everyone around me and while I love to do this and it comes naturally and it is fulfilling sort of to emotionally bond with people at all sorts of extremes, there is a limit to my energy.  This is where my husband, bless him, is so good for me.  He has no extremes, just one solid middle ground.  He is so calm.  If I am not tired that alone drives me crazy as it shouldn't be possible, but most of the time I am tired and so I can just lean in.

Today, however, my kids are tired and leaning in to me and I am trying to balance out their little emotional extremes and be calm myself.  This is the sort of day I like to be able to write.  The question is if anyone should ever see what I write!  Sometimes it is a bit too uncensored.  But then, what is the point of  a blog if I am censoring myself all over the place.  The whole idea is that there is an audience that I cannot control and if I cannot control the audience, then it does not make sense to try to control the message.

dreaming

February is always the month where I want more animals.  This year it's goats.  We've had goats before, but they were older and the one we bred to milk had this terribly hard udder after kidding.  The vet said it was a caprine arthritis and incurable.  On Valentine's Day when I bought that goat book I found the exact kind of arthritis and turns out he was right.  Although he said it may have something to do with our soil and this book said it was genetic and so any offspring would likely also get it.  So we gave up on goats as we couldn't very well change our soil but now I'm thinking if we get young new stock from a breeder who can be trusted we will likely be okay. Anyway, I think that goats would be great on our land which is 70% bush and scrubby bush at that now that it's been burnt and flooded and tornadoed (those are other stories).  Of course, like any idea I have this one would just spiral out of control.  To take advantage of our land we need to fence it and of course fencing goats in is a pretty serious undertaking.  And it's not like I have any illusions about making money on anything like that anymore.  It would just be a great source of meat and milk and entertainment.  A few chickens which will happen this spring and we will have a lot less to spend at Superstore, which I detest.

I'm also eagerly awaiting spring and riding season this year.  Last year I did the bare minimum of riding as moving ended up being so all-consuming.  This year I can't wait to take Jetta out.  She's turning 4 and is a Thoroughbred/Percheron and now I believe some Morgan.  Very social and feisty but visibly growing up.  I think that she will be okay on the trails if Dan goes along with good old Chess who I believe will be turning 20 or 21.  I can never exactly remember her age and always have to work it out by when I graduated from high school and where I was when she was given to me.  Also another story.  However she's a great horse that has done a bit of everything and is starting to get stiff but still loves a good trail ride.  I am really hoping not to be so busy with whatever combination of work I am doing by spring that I can't enjoy the Attic because the last 11 years have been very consumed with all-out parenting.  Now that our kids have entered that glorious mid-childhood phase I want to enjoy all the stuff I have been putting off for so long, as well as doing things with them too of course.  So I'm going to garden, write, design a website, continue to develop Attic Therapy in new and interesting directions, ride horses, train horses, and also be the perfect attentive mom and home maker.  Ha ha.

Good morning

It is slowly getting light outside and I can see the horses dimly through a lot of ice fog.  It's minus 25 but nice inside here as the wood stove has been going cheerfully for a couple of hours.  I'm off to work soon and feeling more settled than I have in a while, probably just because I've had a nice long quiet morning.  Heidi is still asleep and my two sons are at sleepovers this February break. Dan is off getting the car fixed.

I love reading my Bible in front of the fire in the morning.  The first cup of coffee (first of two that I allow myself most days) is so good and I need that infusion of quietness before the day crowds in on me like a sensory avalanche.

Here comes Dan and so here we go.

Right and left

May 23, 1998

Chances

branch

skeletal against the light

Choices 

brush

fingerlike but out of sight

Days and nights

and a waning moon

a tilting planet

a rent cocoon

Caught or falling

awake I dream

Madness in the pattern round me

Serenity in an upper stream

Lightning quivers, winks and dies

Gravity has pulled me down here

roots my muscles

Time flies.

This poem keeps running through my head these days.  I wrote it back when Seth was one and I was agonizing over work and home and all those balance of life things that I'm still agonizing about.  I know it makes very little sense but it is exactly how the inside of my head looks right now.  Somehow writing down the chaotic mess inside me has always made the chaos easier to bear.

Anyway, part of the problem is the switching back and forth from the right side of my brain which is all images and intuition and feelings and colours, and the left side of the brain which is science and rational thinking and evidence-based and problem-solving in the conventional manner and scoring all the standardized tests I administer.  I like both parts of me but they get in awful arguments sometimes.  And then I really need a vacation from my head.  The thing I like so much about Attic Therapy is the chance to use both sides of me cooperatively.  Working with kids who don't express themselves verbally (at least not well) means that I need that intuition and nonverbal perception.  But dealing with parents and other stakeholders - the health care system, the education system, and funding agencies, means using logic and verbal reasoning quite a bit to explain the other stuff.  So it's all good but somewhat confusing.

Writing a blog - well, I feel like I need to pick a side.  And either one won't be honest.  So I have been mulling over all weekend whether I can be honest enough to use both voices.  I don't know yet.  But as I haven't come down on one side or the other at the moment that's what I guess I'm going to do.  Share the chaos!